Voice of Amazing Young Man - His Grief, His Eulogy
His Eulogy
Excerpts of the Eulogy read out at funeral by a 16 year old teen "son"
(names have been changed to protect privacy)
I’ve known Anthony my entire life. My father left me and my mom when I was two. To me, Anthony has always felt more like a father than my real dad. I have many precious memories – such as the wisdom he passed on while I was dealing with issues. I will very much miss him.
This past week, since Anthony’s death, has been brutally hard because I was awarded the youth volunteer of the year award, which is opening up opportunities for me. Sadly, Anthony is not here for me to share it with. This milestone is meant to be shared between a father and a son. Last Friday just before we heard about his death, the radio played a song called “See you Again” (song written after Paul Walker’s death); now this song will always remind me of my “father”.
My earliest memories of him are of when we lived on the prairies; he would take me swimming at the Derrick club. Last year I came out to the coast to visit for a few days. One of my fondest memories from that trip was the kayaking. I had a great time with him out on the water watching the sun set. To me that was such a great and memorable bonding experience. This past week I have been looking through my baby albums. So many fond memories – I could always count on him. Anthony and I would often email or phone each other. He would sometimes send a message about work and would ask how my school work and volunteering were going. I always appreciated those messages and it kept us in frequent contact.
This past fall Anthony had helped me a lot. I was dealing with some issues with my father and he was always there to listen and gave me good perspectives to think about. During our talks he had told me things that will always stick with me, such as “you don’t know what you don’t know.” To me that means - in situations of conflict, there are two perspectives; you don’t always know what the other person’s lived experience or perspectives are. This wisdom will always stick with me, and I will reflect on this wisdom in difficult situations as I go through life.
Footnote
Such bravery to lose this father figure at 16 years, then stand up in front of a large funeral to declare such love and respect.
The Voice of Another Dear Friend "LD"
Poem by John O'Donohue
Heartfelt dedication in the memory of this amazing man who left us too soon.
Thank you dear friend, for standing by us for decades
As you huddle around the torn silence, Each by this lonely deed exiled
To a solitary confinement of soul, May some small glow from what has been lost
Return like the kindness of candlelight.
As your eyes strain to sift, This sudden wall of dark
And no one can say why, In such a forsaken, secret way,
this death was sent for - May one of the lovely hours
Of memory return, Like a filed of ease
Among these graveled days.
May the Angel of Wisdom, Enter this ruin of absence
And guide your minds, To receive this bitter chalice
So that you do not damage yourselves
By attending only at the hungry altar, Of regret and anger and guilt.
May you be given some inkling, That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems, Dark, destructive and forlorn,
Might be a destiny that looks different,
From inside the eternal script.
May vision be granted to you, To see this with the eyes of providence.
May your loss become a sanctuary, Where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich, The rest of your life,
With courage and compassion.
And may your lost loved one, Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquility,
In that place where there is no more sorrow,
Or separation or mourning or tears.
by John O'Donohue
My Voice - Telling the Story of our Healthcare Experience
We Need to Do Better
My husband was in emotional agony, blackness. He was cognitively changing. His depression had spiraled after losing yet another job, perceiving ageism that comes when some workers hit mid-50’s. He had an excellent physician and counsellor. He had good friends. But his depression was still worsening. Unless one has an insider knowledge of the Canadian healthcare system, it’s easy to believe the right services will be there for you or your family, at the right time, and you’ll be cared for by the right team. This was not my experience- when reaching out for help with a loved one with mental health struggles.
On a particular evening, my husband was showing symptoms that were potentially indicative of suicidal tendencies. We arrived at the emergency department in a major city in Canada. The emergency room was packed, standing room only and included sick and crying babies, many people coughing, some vomiting. Those in physical crisis where triaged as priority. Yet, for hours, we sat as these patients were taken in for care. For those with a mental health crisis, who physically "look normal" - there is no quick whisking in for care. We sat and waited. And sat and waited. My husband's mental state hanging by a thread. I was terrified my husband would just up and leave. I felt desperate, terrified. I felt such intense love for my husband, and intense fear of losing him.
After many hours, he was ushered to a stretcher in a hallway, and after an initial typical barrage of questions, “checking vital signs”, he stayed for nearly 48 hours - with no further attention. As a suicidal patient, he had no additional care, supervision or attention. So I organized a schedule of friends to sit on that stretcher with him. His little space, in this emergency room, was within feet of swinging doors to the surgical units; the result - health professionals were rushing in and out this whole time, as they made their way to other patients, other acute situations. At one point, a fellow emergency room patient, who also was on a stretcher, describe her excruciating Crohn’s disease symptoms, in great detail, to the attending physician, while my husband listened and became more withdrawn. Yet another patient, drunk, increasingly violent, was led out by security. Frightening to hear and see.
Imagine your brain in the depths of depression in this environment, - the space violation, the sense of crisis around you, the reinforcement “you're just a number, waiting in line”. Safety, comfort, strength - all absent. From my husband's perspective - I believe this was a Circumstance that Formed his Memory, which Formed Decisions, which Contributed to His Suicide. Mahatma Gandhi once said….
……your beliefs become your thoughts;
Your thoughts become your words;
Your words become your actions;
Your actions become your habits;
Your habits become your values;
Your values become your destiny.
