The Art of Defining

Grief

Loss

Pain

Shock

Anger

Loneliness

Fear

Surviving

Coping

Bravery

Hope

Strength

Love

When I lost my life partner in a manner that was traumatic, sudden, I could not process my situation. Never mind expertly articulate my emotions, my Grief, my pain to others. And for my hapless friends and family - also in a state of shock - understanding the situation, knowing exactly what to do, what to say - was just as daunting.

To family and friends, the Grief-struck person is like an accident victim, who’s just been thrown from a burning car wreck - lying there at the scene, all broken and bloodied.

Also in shock, grief, they rush forward -

What's happened?

they ask...How are you? What can I do?

they feel... How do I know what to do?

through their own tears, their own hearts breaking.

I struggled through the early days of my Grief, and through subsequent months, to find adequate words to express my inner turmoil. If only I could expertly describe my inner hell, then people could understand. Answers to How are you? What can I do? could be more easily formed.

But I found Grief Pain Loss Shock grossly inadequate words. Not only were these words loosely applied in our society, applied to many contexts, but people also applied their own connotations based on lived experiences.

Without accurate, descriptive language, we cannot truly describe what we're going through. Just as important, we can't get the right type of support we need to cope, to have comfort, to survive.

Language

Telling Our Story of Grief

Grief.

A word we depend on to tell our stories of tragic loss. A word we lean on to express that our world has ended, a new frightening, dark world has formed. The person who we held dear in our arms, our lives, has been ripped from us, leaving us begging, crumbling.

And yet that very word – Grief – that we cling to, sobbing, is simultaneously uttered by our fellow humans in multitudes of benign, far less tragic situations.

I found it incredibly difficult to describe Grief to those around me – friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances. Our language felt grossly inadequate as we searched for ways to convey such a profound emotion. Grief’s many connotations and cultural constructs seemed misaligned to my personal Grief experience.

I heard myself pairing up words to illustrate my inner world. Pairings such as Grief-pain, Grief-fog, Grief- rage, Grief-fatigue, Grief-loss. “How Are You?” became an impossible question to answer with such a failure of words. Also, such sudden and deep Grief was new to me. I was still exploring this emotion while also attempting to describe its impact.

For those familiar with Blooms Taxonomy, a hierarchical model used to depict learning levels, I felt like I was needing to perform from the highest level of Blooms to convey my Grief experience, so those around me could understand and provide support. And yet, as a neophyte Griever, I was still struggling at Blooms entry level. The disconnect in communication frustrating for all involved.

The word "Grief" - Let's get it Right

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief. As in... comic contexts "good grief Charlie Brown"

Grief. As in... accusations (some moron just dented your car)

Grief. As in... expressions of exacerbation (neighborhood cat dug up your garden, again)

Grief. As in ...sadness (you lost your grandmother's Sapphire ring)

Grief..... In that you've suddenly, inexplicably had the love of your life ripped from your life FOREVER ...tragically...horribly...and the shock of your Love's death is so intense, your cannot process ...

Grief.

A word we depend upon to describe that our world has ended.

But really? To express those far less tragic situations with the same word our society uses to express great loss such as "I lost the love of my life to death and my world has ended". Really??

Grief - of a lost Love

This is what the word should convey to the listeners immediately, effectively.......

Grief.

All-encompassing deep sorrow, with both emotional and physical pain, agonizing pain - in that crying is described as a deep breath-robbing sobbing emanating from the core, sometimes with such violence the crying triggers gagging or vomiting. And the piercing Grief is surrounded with bewilderment - a perception of reality has shifted.

A sense of being completely and utterly lost. A loss with no end.

Feelings layered on top include intense loneliness, anger, vulnerability, sensations of being gutted, hollowed out.

This Grief is also suspended in hopelessness, an absence of joy, trapped in depths of sadness, and may include a risk of suicidal thoughts - this ideation of wanting to join the precious person who has departed. An inability to envision any other resolution to the pain.

Grief Pain

Use of the Word - Painful

Writing a thesis is painful. Listening to a loud, squeaky voiced person on an airplane for two hours is painful. Having a root canal is painful. Renovating a house is painful. Figuring your way around Toronto traffic during rush hour is painful. Passing a kidney stone is painful. Your feet, after 8 hrs in those beautiful new hiking boots, are painful.

Grief is Painful

Use of the Word - Painful

With so many uses for the word Pain or Painful,... how can we expect people to know what Grief Pain really feels like? The word is ubiquitous - used to the point of severe dilution and uselessness in its ability to accurately describe a situation such that the teller feels the communication-receiver completely understands the experience.

So...

Use of the Word - Painful

So...

....this is the word "Pain" or "Painful"...we choose to honor with our description of loss of a dear Love, being ripped out of our lives. Really?! This is the best we could do? No wonder we're having a hard time sending and receiving communication on Grief pain. No wonder those left behind are dazed and confused.

Telling Our Stories of Grief

During my first year after the loss of my husband...

In my experience talking about Grief, I discovered many unwritten timelines and unspoken rules. I noticed that society definitely recognized Grief and the grieving process. However - the "what Grief looks like" depended on the person, the societal environment, the culture. And yes, it seemed to somewhat depend on the gender and the generation.

Don't get me wrong. I am not implying that any one group or cohort, from my list above, got it right or got it wrong. Grieving is deeply personal.

What I'm saying, is that - from the perspective of the Griever, it became very apparent that there was a wide variety of perspectives - and that became one more thing to navigate on the Grief journey.

Language and the words used were crucial during this time - in order to explain my Grief journey, but also to understand how those around me were feeling. The words and cues guided me in how much I'd express or divulge, and how often or how long I could express my inner hell, my inner sadness. As time went on, these social cues became increasingly important as some people "moved on" to other topics during conversation, and I knew that my circle of support would shrink as time progressed. To this day, when I have those moments when I crumble in Grief, which comes in ebbs and flows, there are very few people in my life that I can confide in. And those people are precious indeed.

Language, words, expressions.

Crucial tools to have, to understand, and to know how to use!! when trauma hits and grief sets in.

My Playlist

Billy Joel. (1978). Honesty.

52nd Street. (Album).

Adele. (2015). Remedy.

25. (Album).

Surviving Grief

The Art of Defining

Language

Telling Our Story of Grief

The word "Grief" - Let's get it Right

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief - of a lost Love

Grief Pain

Use of the Word - Painful

Use of the Word - Painful

Use of the Word - Painful

Grief is Painful

Use of the Word - Painful

Use of the Word - Painful

So...

Use of the Word - Painful

So...

Telling Our Stories of Grief